


Monster

by Melusine11



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Blood and Injury, F/M, OR IS IT, That's Not How The Force Works
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-27
Updated: 2018-08-27
Packaged: 2019-07-03 03:24:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,032
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15810312
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Melusine11/pseuds/Melusine11
Summary: "Fear will be your enemy and death its consequence" That's what they once said to me and it's starting to make sense. All this pain, all this fear began because of me. Is the thing they see, the thing I have to be.





	Monster

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt from the RFFA Discord server. Based on the song [Monster from Frozen](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b0T6N6sevm4)  
> This is not super edited - and by that I mean only I looked at it, and ran it through a program, but here it is. Whatever it is. Enjoy.

Breathe. Just _kriffing_ breathe. He stumbles over a root, hand reaching out to steady himself on the trunk of the closest tree. He draws another rattling breath into his lungs before pushing off, weaving almost drunkenly through the forest. Time was running out, he could feel it, as easily as he could feel the warm blood seep through the leather of his glove. 

It was taking everything he had to try to contain the slow seep of poison through his system. He miscalculated, he thinks, body tilting sideways.

When he blinks, the left side of his face is resting in the detritus of the forest floor. A leaf flips away from him when he exhales. In a wildly distant part of his brain he thinks _finally_. Because slipping into the unknown that awaits him on the other side of The Force will be a welcome change from the hell he’s managed to trap himself in. The rest of his brain, though, is railing. He breathes again, shaking fingers tightening over the wound in his side. If he weren’t actively dying, he would probably laugh over the fact that Hux managed to catch him in the exact spot he’d been hit by his Uncle Chewie.

“This is actually the best time to laugh,” he mutters against the dirt, but he doesn’t, he can’t. The acrid taste building in his mouth is worrisome, the coldness seeping in at the tips of his fingers and toes is even more concerning. “Come on, you fool, get up,” he grunts, getting his legs under himself, scrambling to stand. He trips once, twice, and feels tears of frustration build. 

It’s not far, the safety bunker. Maybe a kilometer from where he’s at now, but he’ll likely be dead before he makes it even half of that distance. Somewhere, behind him, troopers and his Knights search for him. Turning back to see where he had fallen, he knows his path is an easy one to follow.

Fear. That’s what this feeling is, coursing through him even stronger than the poison. He’s going to die in this kriffing forest, and no one will care. No one will even know until Hux tells them, but no, that isn’t true, is it.

“Rey,” he whispers her name, one he’s avoided speaking for two years now. Not since Crait, but kriff does he think of her often. She will feel it, she will know, when his darkness finally blinks out. Rey who still exists near him even though she is light years away. He hopes, when he’s gone and Hux rains destruction down over the galaxy she will see that he had been trying to do the right thing. 

“Found him!” A voice, familiar, calls out and he grunts, blinking in surprise to find himself face down in the dirt once more. There’s a beat of silence and then a hum of agreement as footsteps approach. “There’s at least five, but only one is heading this way, yeah, I’ll be fine, always am.

“Just make it quick,” he slurs into the ground, “Actually, do whatever you want, I deserve it. I’m a monster,” He’s not sure if whoever is by him can even understand the words coming from his mouth. It sounds like gibberish to his own ears.

“I know.” Feet appear in his line of sight and he rolls his head as best he can to look, “but you’re my monster, Ben.” His eyes flutter shut when she reaches out and brushes his hair from his face, her fingertips along his forehead have him sighing in bliss. Rey. If this is death, he will gladly walk into her open arms. “I’ve only got a general antidote, it better be enough to get you up again or I’m going to have to-” She cuts off abruptly and Kylo watches, gaze growing hazy as she fumbles in the pack at her hip. “Don’t kriffing bleed out on me before I take care of this, Ben,” she growls right before stabbing him with a needle, injecting the antidote into his system.

“Rey,” he starts, blinking owlishly up at her, “Bashka Ren,” he slurs, hand fumbling towards her foot. He can feel her approaching, needs to let Rey know, but Rey steps away from him before he hears a saber hum to life. Oh, she knew, he realizes, blinking hard as he feels a headache coming on as the antidote begins to work at pushing back the poison. He’s aware of the fight behind him, can hear it in the familiar hums and swoops of a saber cutting through the air, can hear it in the jolt of noise as blades connect. He rolls to his back, wincing as he does so before pressing his hand harder against his abdomen. When his head lolls to the side, he needs a minute to figure out what he’s looking at. 

Rey moves with finesse. He’s never actually had the time to really watch her fight before, and he knows she never looked polished. She was always running on rage and emotion and the skills she had siphoned from the bond. Not now, though, no, she’s practically dancing circles around Bashka Ren with her saber. Bashka, for her part, and all the power and talent she has, puts up a good fight, but it ends quickly.

Kylo pushes himself to sit up as he watches her kneel down, a hand presses against Bashka’s head before she retrieves the fallen Knight’s saber and then stands.

“This is real,” he says, when she’s in front of him again. 

“How are you feeling? Can you walk at all, or should I-” she reaches towards where his hand covers the jagged open wound, hand flickering with light.

“Don’t-” he flinches away from her, “I can walk.”

“We have less time than I’d like to reach the extraction point, so let's go.” She flips her hand, back to normal and offers it to help him up now, hesitantly he takes it and he stands. “You dropped this,” she tosses his saber at him without preamble, and he just manages to catch it in his free hand before she lopes off to the east.

“Rey,” he calls, stumbling after her, “Rey, how did you find me?” he asks, his longer stride finally getting him in pace with her.

“Oh you know, just your standard infiltration. Hux honestly has the shittiest timing, or maybe he knew, won’t ever know now though.” She sounds frustrated. “I hope you’re ready, the transmissions have already been sent, that Kylo Ren is dead.”

“I should be.” He sighs, lungs still feeling as though he’s not getting enough air, “You shouldn’t have come, Rey. You could have been killed.”

“Could have, but they’d need to catch me first, and seeing as how I’ve been living on your base here for two standard months without anyone noticing, I think I would have been fine.”

“Two - Rey - that’s madness. What if you had been caught, Hux would have-” He is angry. Angry over her foolishness, and angry that she was right there, and she stayed hidden.

“Hux is dead. So it doesn’t matter.” She reaches out, and suddenly her hand his wrapped tight around his arm. “Ben, can you please calm down? I don’t have time to heal you until we’re in atmo, and I can barely hear the chatter over your wild projecting. I promise I’ll explain everything, but please, just walk faster and calm your thoughts.”

They make it. They clear the woods and step into an open field where two other people are waiting. He only recognizes FN-2187.

“Where’s the ship?” Rey asks as soon as they’re close.

“Should be here any second, but I’m not sure. Why did we decide I should be in charge of communications with Chewie, my understanding of Shyriiwook is basic at best. I’m pretty sure he said two standard minutes, but he also might have said he’s having tuna fish sandwiches.” The other girl speaks, full lips in a pout and dark hair wild around her face. He watches as FN-2187 smiles at her and tries to help put it back into place but she knocks his hands away, “You know it does what it wants, I’m Rose, by the way, and oh wow, you are bleeding everywhere!”

“I have noticed,” Kylo responds dryly. “And two standard minutes sounds worlds apart from tuna fish sandwich.” 

“Yeah, it was a joke, dummy.” She smiles at him even as she rolls her eyes and Kylo blinks once, twice before her expression shifts, “Oh, boy, Rey, you didn’t tell us your man was a giant stick in the mud.” 

“I didn’t think I had to.” Beside him, Rey crosses her arms and stares across at FN-2187. _Finn_ he finally thinks, his name is _Finn_ now, and then his mind catches up to the fact that Rose had called him ‘Rey’s man’ and she didn’t dispute it.

“I think I might be dead,” he mutters, and Finn bursts out laughing before sobering at the glare Rey levels him with. Before anyone can say anything further, _The Falcon_ swoops into view, landing bay already open. It’s a mad dash to the ship, and it doesn’t even touch down as they all scrambled up the ramp, Rey holding onto Kylo before steering him towards a bunk.

“We’re impressively low on bacta, so I’m going to need you to let me heal you,” she tells him quickly, kneeling and opening a drawer beneath him. When he would travel with his dad, he kept his clothes in it, now it appears to be used to makeshift medical supplies.

“You can just let me be,” he barely fits in the bunk, knees bent just enough to allow him to squeeze in.

“Ben, I don’t care what kind of self-sabotaging thoughts you’re having right now, but we did not all risk our lives for two months to dismantle The First Order and bring you home, for you to try to bleed out on my ship.” She’s frowning at him, she does that a lot, he thinks, blinking hard as she swims in and out of focus. He wants to tell her that the ship is his, but it’s an old game he no longer feels like playing. “Take off your shirt.” she commands, tugging at the bottom of it.

“No, leave me alone, Rey. It’s what I deserve.

“So be it, the hard way,” she sighs and he yelps in surprise when a knife cuts his shirt open from bottom to top, he tips his head back just in time to avoid the tip of the blade catching him on the chin.

“You two alright back here?” Rose pokes her head in, hair now back in some semblance of what is probably order.

“We’re good.” Rey nods, pushing Ben’s hand away from his wound and carefully rolling back the shirt. “Have you made contact?”

“Yup. Everything is going according to plan as far as I can tell. The data leaks are steady, and it will be awhile before everyone can comb through it, but General Leia said there’re already rumors of a trooper recovery unit being formed, so families can be matched up if they’re still around.”

“How’s Finn?” Rey asks, and Ben watches light bloom in her hand before looking at her face, scrunched up in concentration, eyes focused on him.

“I’m not sure, he hasn’t said much, I’m nervous for him. I hope, well, a lot of things. It will be awhile, before anything happens. Sounds like most of the chatter is about Hux.”

“Good,” Rey sighs, sweat beading on her forehead now.

“We’re making the jump soon, just a heads up.”

“Thanks, Rose.” Kylo hears her footsteps as they fade away, back towards the cockpit, and he shifts beneath Rey’s hand, “How are you feeling?” she asks, eyes darting up to meet his for a moment, before going back to focus on her task. 

“Better. You don’t have to - you can be finished. You shouldn’t-”

“I’m fine, just let me kriffing help you for once.”

“You already have,” he breathes, bloodied hand covering her healing one. “What happens next?” he asks, when the light sputters out and he squeezes at her hand.

“A shower for you, I’d imagine,” she teases, carefully extracting her hand from his grasp. “Come on.” He sits up and he feels the ship shudder as they finally make the jump to lightspeed. Shuffling along behind her he takes in all the ways _The Falcon_ has changed, just a hint of a smile over the ways it’s managed to stay the same. She opens the panel to the ‘fresher and steps aside. “I’ll go see what I can scrounge up that might fit you,” she informs him, before stalking away.

He strips down, the blood wet pieces hitting the floor with a disgusting plop as he presses the buttons to activate the ‘fresher. He spends a long few minutes scrubbing the blood from his hands, watching it curl away down the drain. After, when he’s clean, he lets his fingertips roam over the new scar tissue. The bowcaster bolt scar had been a hideous mess of raised tissue that he refused to heal properly. _Because I deserved it_ , he thinks with a grimace, but this new scar is smooth. A new line of pink to mar his already battle worn skin. He jumps when the door opens.

“I found a few things,” Rey announces as she enters, “I’ll just stick everything here for when you’re ready.” Through the textured transparisteel as she places a bundle down on the counter before leaving.

The pants are too short and the shirt is too small, but they’re clean, and for that he won’t complain. He steps out into the main cabin, pulling up short and finding Rey perched on the edge of the wide bunk waiting for him. He decides to ignore her laughing at how ridiculous he looks and plops down in a chair across from you.

When she stops laughing, she pulls her legs up, tucking her knees under her chin, wrapping her arms loosely around them as she stares at him. “What happened?” she asks, watching him open his mouth several times and falter.

“I thought I had more time,” he laments, “but ever since Snoke, Hux has been _unbearable_.”

“You know he built another two Starkillers, right?” she asks, and that pulls him up short.

“He _what_?”

“Yeah, we just found them a few months ago, it’s what prompted all of this,” she waves a hand around, “he was starting construction on a third, but if the mining crews he sent went missing and ended up in a galactic prison somewhere, well, who knows how that happened.”

“How did you know it wasn’t me?” 

Rey snorts, “We intercepted communications. He had a very colorful list of names for you and stressed that you were to never know. You were to be his first target.”

“What went wrong?”

“For Hux? Several things, first the troopers stopped responding properly, and being sent to reconditioning didn’t seem to help. Then there was that tap and holovids kept getting out. I think the real kicker was you though. You we not supposed to confront him over the Snoke video. To be fair though, someone leaked that earlier than it was meant to be. Now here we are.”

“Here we are,” he echoes, “You we really there for two months, and you didn’t-” he stops himself from finishing the sentence, refuses to utter the words that will make him sound like a needy fool. His nostrils flare.

“Yes. I had to. You would have compromised me, compromised the mission.”

“Wasn’t I part of the mission?”

“No, you were part of _my_ mission. I didn’t tell the others until last week. Rose doesn’t mind, not really, but Finn.” Rey shrugs helplessly at this and Ben nods.

“I see,” he says, because he _does_ see. Everything Finn thinks of him is more than valid. He shouldn’t even be here. “What will happen to me?” Ben asks, hating how his voice wavers.

“It isn’t up to me, but Kylo Ren is dead, and Ben Solo is coming home.”

“I shouldn’t. I don’t deserve. Rey I need to be punished for my crimes.” He blinks, and suddenly Rey is in front of him, clambering into his lap and he jolts at the contact, trying to shift away from her, trying to draw her closer.

“I said it isn’t up to me, but I’ll help you. We’ll figure this out. Together.”

“You left me. I destroyed him, everything, offered you everything, and you _left_ me.”

“No, I left Kylo Ren, because he didn’t want my help, and he couldn’t see the thing I truly wanted.” Her thumb drifts over his scar, _her scar_ , a sad smile on her face as she takes him in.

“Rey,” his chest hitches as he inhales, “Kylo is me.”

“And so is Ben Solo, but I didn’t want the galaxy, or to rule it. I only wanted you.”

“You can do better than a monster like me, Rey.”

“You aren’t truly a monster, and besides, it’s too late for that,” she sighs, leaning in, forehead pressing against his. “I have a lot of things to tell you, and there’s a lot we need to talk about, but for the moment, can we just exist?”

“I would like that, but maybe, not here,” he says before standing, making Rey yelp. Somehow, he manages to get them both on the bunk without issue, and Rey pulls him to her, fingers combing through his hair. “Rey?” He asks, breath hot against her skin, she hums, arms tightening just a fraction around him, “I’m going to try to make things right, I have to. Even with him gone, I still can’t sleep.”

“You’re safe here, Ben, you’re home.” His nose brushed her collarbone as he shakily exhaled. “You can sleep now, I’ll keep the monsters away.” He was too tired to argue, to tell her he was the monster in her bed, even though he didn’t wish to be. He hoped one day, he wouldn’t be.


End file.
